It’s always hard to start these blogs out, when they talk about self reflection and where things will go from here. It becomes a bit of a task, taking that first step. But, I’ll discuss first what I am thinking about most prominently.
I feel like this year is going to be huge, important and life-changing. What irks me the most is that I don’t know whether it is going to be in a good or bad way, if it is about me, friends or others, or all of the above. Something feels distinctly different about 2012, and I am unsure of what that is. For the first time, I have hesitation going into it. What is causing this could be anyone’s guess. It might be that I am finally leaving the country for a time and going elsewhere. But I often have certain daydreams about what it would be.
I keep wondering why I chose Germany in March, and I see all of these things quietly passing through Capitol Hill. My mind wanders off and I keep thinking about being in Germany and hearing news about how the US has suddenly locked down its borders, instated martial law or something to that effect. I have always had this hesitation about Germany because I feel like I wouldn’t come back– not by choice, but by circumstance. And as the date comes closer for me to step on that plane and visit the land that I have wanted to for the last 16 years, I feel more urgent about visiting the friends that I have an intimate contact with. It’s as if I am saying goodbye, but not intending to do so.
I would like to come back. I would like to know that I am able to return without impedance or hesitation. Will I want to stay once I’ve touched my feet to European soil? It’s very possible that I won’t. I might (and have thought of) selling off things to go over there and work for a living. A lot of my friends are aware of this running in the back of my mind. I am sure they see it every time I talk about it, and it has become more popular for them to hope and wish that I don’t return one day. It isn’t because they are tired of me, or annoyed. They want the best for me. I am completely honored to have those types of friends.
I was trying to equate it to something, and a friend recently explained it in a way that made more sense. He talked about Good Will Hunting. He said,
“Ya know Reiter, it’s not that we are wanting you to take off and be done with you. We’re not trying to wall up or build up this expectation of you being gone because you’re selfish. You remember in Good Will Hunting, where they talk about how Will owes it to Chuckie and the rest of the guys to take advantage of what he’s given? That’s how it is. You’re sitting here, and you’ve got a ton of shit that you can do that many can’t. Most of us can’t. And I wanna live vicariously through you. But yeah, some of us want you gone. But we want you gone for your sake, not ours. We know you’d be happy over there.”
I think that’s the part I hate admitting the most. I would be goddamn happy over there. My friend and coworker went to Thailand to backpack it last March. He loved the hell out of it, and said it changed his view on how he’s gonna live the rest of his life. I know Germany is gonna do the same to me, and the responsible side of my conscious is gonna be dragging back this kicking and screaming adult that wants to stay in what it has considered home for a long time.
2012? Yes, it’s gonna be a huge year. It’s gonna be huge beyond me though. I really hope that it’s for the best, whatever it is.
I sit here and think about what I’ve done to get this far. The people I have lived with, the jobs I have been in, and the love that I have given. I’ve been in this house for five years, and the owner (and my friend) has been so generous with ensuring I had a way to make things happen in my life and move forward. There are people I have loved over the last year– and others before, whether they were aware it was it or not. There are things over this entire last decade since High School (this year will be my 10 year reunion) that have molded and shaped me so much, but it feels like it has been a fight to push through it. And it feels like that moment now, where I am leaving that town on my horse, and riding off into the sunset.
It is so weird to think about. I took a moment to review my passport and just realize how I will be using it in a customs check in on the other side of the world. I have seen people ride off into that sunset, and now it’ll be my turn. But I’ll find my own road, and see what it is that I was supposed to see. Feel. Experience. All of it. I just feel so burdened, because I don’t know if I am uprooting myself, in a sense. I would be leaving things behind if I couldn’t return. People that I have loved and cherished as friends and more would be here, and I would not. I’d truly be alone again. I know that I have not always been the most social, but it is odd to think that I’ll be over there, and everything I know… everything, will be here. I would have to start again.
This… this is a new era that I am embarking on with the turn of the new year. 2012, you are going to be a fickle mistress, I have a feeling. But I can’t wait to play your game.
I cherish you all, my friends and family. I truly do. And to the few that I do love, aware of it or otherwise, family or not, I mean it. And if I am unable to come back, I will miss you dearly.