This is my outlet, now

I made the decision last night to step away from social media indefinitely. It’s become apparent to me over the last few weeks that I have distractions setup for myself everywhere I go, and I am tearing them down one by one. This was one of those steps. I feel that I’ve been neglecting this website though. I’ve been neglecting sharing my views on life, and putting down what I think. The biggest benefit of this site, is for me to come back later and learn new things about what had happened before.

I have two things that draw my focus right now: work, and the gym. I’ll play some Elder Scrolls Online when I get the free time, but mostly it’s just that. But I am not allowing myself to rotate between things on the web anymore. I’ve buried my recent hurt so far down that it’s become impossible to pull up and deal with. I know I need to; it’s like an uncomfortable knot in my stomach that would easily be fixed if I were able to vomit or digest it, but it’s just staying there because I’ve ignored it and eat a bunch of stupid shit to make myself feel better. So if I am to get to it, I need to trim my “emotional diet” a little bit and finally get it out, and it’ll hurt more when it comes out than what it does now, staying buried.

The other part of this focus is to spend six months getting my physical form where I want it to be. I’ll be spending 3-4 months doing more muscle and bulking consistently (my issue is I haven’t been at 100% the entire time), and then spend the rest of the six month period doing cut. I might consider getting some tattoos during this time, and really just reinvent myself. I want to be able to step back into society truly feeling like a new man. I want to spend this time reflecting on what’s transpired, where my life is going and make it feel like a physical representation of myself, as well as a mental representation to myself. And I am going to be in that cocoon while I do so.

I don’t want to wall up completely, but I’ve considered it carefully. I think walling up isn’t the best idea, but I think some isolation is necessary. My life is finite, and I am going to be making the most of myself. If that involves buckling down and making myself more of the person I want to see in the mirror, and pushing myself towards what I want to do, then I think it’s an acceptable sacrifice socially. I do end up suffering a bit for it, just like my friends do. But I feel that if they know why I am doing it (not just for isolation, but to rebuild), then I think they’ll support me on it. That is what I need, I feel. Let me do my thing so I can come back a better person.

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