There has been a lot of myself, and my connection to this world, that I have witnessed over the last two years. Some beliefs have been reinforced, but some new roots have taken hold in growing ideas, wishes. I feel like I know what I must do next, but I will have to work hard to get there.
I’m writing this from an office in the UK. The week prior, I was in Germany. Two weeks before the start of this trip, I was in Norway. This is the most contact I have had with Europe in one year, spare for my trip to Norway last year for four weeks. But I feel like this is a better sample to go with, because I have visited many more locations in this time span than I have at any point before. Of all the things I’ve encountered, one common thing has come around in my mind:
I belong here.
Many of my friends and family have known this, I think. I needed to move to Seattle to settle some of my own demons, and figure out that I am not as damaged as some people in my past helped me believe. I’ve been seeing a therapist, and I found that I am actually quite all right. My ex did a very good job of manipulating me based on what she desired, or felt was correct. I wanted to be pliable instead of be okay with who I am and what I desire. She led me to believe I was damaged, but as time went on with these therapy sessions, I began to understand that she was projecting many things onto me. I didn’t see them until many years later, but I am glad I see them now.
And so, I feel I’ve shed off a cloak that did not protect me from the elements, but instead weighed me down and gnawed at my flesh. And since then, I have embraced the idea of Europe more. I make friends here so easily. I am desired by women, I am socially accepted much more easily… there is a lot that just goes well here. Over the last ten years, I have worked on building my career to make myself a worthwhile prospect for companies worldwide. The thing I am most susceptible to is giving up after my efforts don’t work for a bit. I know that I can’t stop if I really want this.
And I do.
So over the coming weeks and months, I will figure out what I need to do. What I need to learn. What I need.