I think I’ve been avoiding writing this, even though I’ve needed to. But I feel it’s necessary to do it so I can reflect on it later and, maybe, use it to heal. To my future self, you made it through. But man, does it suck right now.
The thing about this breakup is, we’re still talking. We’re still good friends. I am so thankful for this, but it has a very bittersweet edge to it. It’s like talking with someone who has passed away about the things you’ll miss about the companionship. I know she isn’t dead, and she’ll still be around. It’s just very surreal when she reaches out to me to see how I’m coping, or I to her. It still hurts for us, very much. I made a passing joke about working out my eyebrow muscles more, because my face was so contorted when I was laying on the kitchen floor, crying quietly. It hit me so hard and so fast, and all I could do is collapse and ride it through.
I didn’t tell her the details of my sob session; I imagine she’s having her own issues as well. I am thankful, though, that she is surrounded by people whom she can reach out to. I know I have that as well, but being the stubborn ass that I am, I’ve told Natalie and Terrah. I told Terrah because I just wanted her to have an ear open if I needed it, but someone far enough away that couldn’t come do an “intervention” because they felt the need to hold me. Natalie pried it out of me– very easily.
It’s frustrating for me. I’ve always dealt with things by myself, but I don’t think it’s worked out as well as it could as when I’ve talked through things with people. But I am used to it being this way. I probably won’t tell people at work, or other friends. I mean, hell, I couldn’t tell Chris and Cindy that we had split. I kept it hidden and just concentrated on music.
And I know deep down that this is a bad way to cope. I know though, that I am more likely to seek out an ear later on, but I think it’ll have to wait until I’ve rode out this initial wave of just… I don’t know. This.
Eventually we’ll write a public statement and brace for the onslaught of “I’m here if you need me” messages. But I don’t know. I know she’ll probably respond to a few, but again, I’m a stubborn ass.
There’s something that keeps sticking in the front of my mind. It was from after we both cried out the initial heartbreaking. She thanked me for showing her that it was okay to be vulnerable. I need to accept that too. I need to accept that it’s okay for me to be vulnerable, but I’ve always been that strong person for people. The thing now is, I don’t socialize as much. I don’t need to be strong for many except a select few, including Lil. I will always be strong for her, best I can.
But man, does it hurt right now.
She’s usually gone on the weekends, but I keep going over to where she sits at her computer. I keep looking at pictures. I keep staring at the wolf and owl sketch she got for me, and the painting she got for me. I look at the pictures from our collaring ceremony, and one thing is in my mind the most:
I am so upset at myself. I feel my face scrunching in absolute discontent as I write this. I am upset because I didn’t know what to do, nor was I capable of doing what was needed. I know we both ended this together, but I feel like I was such a detriment to the relationship. I know she said it was incompatibility, and I agreed. But I feel like I was ultimately the incompatibility. I am still underdeveloped. I felt like I had learned everything I needed to, to be in a relationship with her. And I was wrong. I don’t know what else I have to learn, and I hate it. I hate it so much.
I wanted her to be the one that I’d spend the rest of my days with. She mentioned at some point how aesthetics might have been a part of it, but it ultimately wasn’t. She surpassed those things. She was greater than the sum of her parts. She is amazing. I loved everything about her, and I couldn’t express it right. I couldn’t show her things. I was too afraid of doing something wrong, towards the end. And the worst thing of it all, was that I was the most open with how I felt after I told her those words. I cried repeatedly, “I don’t know what to do.” I was helpless, and in the wake of the aftermath was the only time I’ve been most open.
That makes me hate myself, to some degree. I don’t understand myself. I don’t understand why I couldn’t just tell her how I felt. What I was thinking. I was always guarded, always second guessing myself. I kept my privacy because I’ve been used to people using anything they find against me, and I knew that she wouldn’t do that. But I couldn’t break my old habits. Regardless of what people say now, or later: I was the cause of the relationship’s demise. I’ve felt that way, and will continue to do so… at least for a while.
I have to move on. The tie has been cut, the cord severed. I will be uncollaring her sometime later, and telling everyone else. I need to move on, and put this behind me. I might talk with people, but I have a feeling that it’s more likely I’ll just distract myself.
There is one thought though, that is positive. There were a few times during our relationship that I told her that I wasn’t made for relationships. That might have been the case when I started that part of my life’s journey with her. But if I wasn’t then, I certainly have at least a bit of a grasp on it now. And I do have her to thank for that.
She helped me grow. So. Much. I told her dad as much on the phone call he made today. That was a bittersweet event as well. He told me that he was thankful I was in her life, and helped her get grounded so she could deal with “normal” life things. Things like jobs, and school. He wants to shake my hand. I want to shake his too, because he raised such an amazing woman.
Because, she is amazing. Jayson, I think, doesn’t know what he has in his hands right now. Maybe he will later, but I think he doesn’t right now. I hope he is as good to her as she deserves, because I will claim first rights to cuffs if he does anything mean to her.
What does the future hold now? I don’t know. I feel (regrettably) that I have little holding me down here anymore. But I don’t think I am ready to leave, just yet. I have made some more friends here than I thought I would, and I would like to mend what rift there might be between Lil and I. I want us to be good friends. I want us to be amazing in any way we can be. She still wants to call me Alpha, and I will love it every time she does. I will still be that for her.
But for the future, I guess we never know what it holds. A year ago, before things started getting bad, I thought I might throw my “marriage isn’t for me” out the window and get a ring for her. But, that isn’t meant to be. This is how things have played out. I need to take a deep breath, and step forward in life. I pray to the gods that she can do the same.
But fuck, do I miss her.