My therapist said it as I was talking to her about my road trip. I seemed lighter, more upbeat than normal after my trip, but I wanted to discount that for other things. Vacations are usually meant to make one feel more recharged. But I knew that wasn’t it.
In 2014, I fell in love with the land here. It is so, so gorgeous. Easily one of the most beautiful parts of the world. I’ve explored a lot of it, too. I have camped in it, I’ve sat with the trees, and shared in a few moments of intrigue and wonder with some people who live up here. I have taken in the wonderful majesty that is provided by the Earth in this part of the world.
But like I said, it’s been only a few moments with people who live here. The vast majority of friend interactions that I have anymore has been via a screen. I have been alone up here, despite my best attempts to make friends, or to kindle relationships. I’ve spent nearly the last eight years of my life trying to make connections work in this place that is so beautiful.
I haven’t had much success.
The last three weeks have sat me with people who see me inside and out, with long time friends and with my own family. It felt good, even though my social tank can run to empty pretty quick with some of them. I was loved and cared for, and I was mostly happy those three weeks. I had this happiness, and it was quickly a memory as I came home.
To these four walls.
These empty, quiet and somber four walls.
Yeah, I am not happy here. I can easily admit it to myself, and I immediately agreed with my therapist when she said it. I distract myself from it. Video games, exercise, camping. But I do all of it by myself. There are people elsewhere who I can just be with. I can be me.
I just worry that if I move closer to them, that it’ll eventually run its course because someone moves, or things fizzle… these doubts in my mind happen because I moved here and that’s exactly what happened. I tried to make a life for myself here, but I just couldn’t do it. I’d leave a few people behind here, but I don’t think there’d be anything major lost. I’d reconnect when the opportunities came.
And that’s how I know I am not happy here– I am not torn on the thought of moving away.